a year ago today i was in the hospital experiencing one of the lowest points of my life physically, emotionally and mentally. today i walked into the sun and listened to a CD. tomorrow i turn twenty three.
i hold an immense amount of gratitude for what twenty two taught me. i can confidently say i have taken life back as my own and found peace, happiness and health that i never thought could be mine. those things felt so out of reach. i couldn't hold lasting happiness outside a manic high or words of praise. most days i felt derealization -- a complete disconnection from my body and mind -- i was afraid of myself and everybody else. i didn't care much for myself or see life as something that needs to be nurtured and cradled with consistency. now i smile. i smile a lot and i follow the sun. there are flowers in my room from myself and people that i love. i can do things alone without feeling lonely. i spend extra time making dinner and walk slower and i don't get mad at myself for it. in a year alone, i lost myself and found myself with a clear conscience. everyday used to feel one half-step away from a disaster. there was seldom a time where my heart wasn't racing and i always felt like i was going to pass out. i was overworked, heartbroken sick, stressed beyond words, and carrying a heavy hurt that kept me tense. i felt like nothing more than a body, and for a time, only a shell of that body. i don't regret anything. the emotions i felt, the ways i reacted were how i felt. maybe i didn't know that at the time, but beneath the surface, i know now. it wasn't my fault. i wasn't too much and i was enough, just for the wrong people. last year i learned love -- something i have always been curious about. on the other side of it now, i feel grateful for what i learned about myself. i learned that i'm capable. i think i learned much more when that love was pulled from my hands and replaced with a mirror. twenty two taught me to let go. i want control and i always have. but exercising control can mean letting go, too. i no longer think letting go is giving up -- i see it more as a worthwhile investment everyone owes to themselves. some things and some people were only in my life to teach me that they shouldn't be. not in a way that makes me right and them wrong, but more as a lesson that we completed our circuits in each other's worlds. i don't regret anything. twenty two took me to europe which is something i used to lie awake dreaming of. i had conversations in different languages and took buses to nowhere and made friends on the streets and danced in crowds of people from all around the world. thousands of miles away from home i learned that home is an endless feeling. i've found home in so many places and i will find it over and over. i'm not stupid for dancing or feeling or writing and i'm sorry i spent some time feeling that way. i'm still working on it, but i am going to restore my relationship with creating and do so without hearing those voices of doubt on repeat. i don't need to shape myself to fit anywhere. i fit or i don't and it's not personal. i didn't lose any years of my life like i thought i did. i thought those times where i was mis-medicated, misdiagnosed and mistreated would surely kill me and irrevocably change me. i'm now learning that those times have only informed a present self that is now filled with more gratitude, understanding and relief. i am still sick, i always will be to some capacity. chronic illness is a proper name for what it is. each day is different and the imminence of a hospital trip or spiral are scary, but i think i've learned to work with these things almost as good as i was at working against them. twenty two year old me holds the love and passion i have always had. i looked in the mirror and i forgave myself little bits at a time. i forgive the people that brought me under and i am sorry to the people i ever worried. there were no wild enlightenments or epiphanies, just fragments of reflection and release tied to a luckier hand of cards. i was running for so long and now i can rest, finally for now. things worked out well, just how i didn't think they would. i'm okay today, tomorrow i will be okay and twenty three.
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lo siento todo el tiempo
y temo que lo estoy perdiéndolo te conté todo de mis historias y ofrecerte mis pulmones con cada sonido, con cada aliento, te quisiste menos de mí aquí vienen las palabras que tenía miedo de oír con un sentimiento que me pesa en el pecho seguir sintiéndolo hasta inhalar otra vez quizás si hubiera hablado menos, me habrías escuchado y tal vez este fue nuestro destino solo para pasear juntos por un momento sin un destino o un motivo quiero creer que aún no lo sabíamos romper las piezas dispersarse aceptar que no puedan encajar crear algo nuevo en lugar de comprar pegamento volver a empezar trabajar a mi ritmo ahora salgo sola, lo que implica que puedo terminar a cualquier lugar me pregunto, ¿es esta libertad o la soledad? me he dado cuenta que pueden coexistir al final estoy arriba y abajo ayer no hice nada para ayudarme hoy avancé y mañana podría destruirlo pero estar viva es caminar adelante y atrás rigid, rigorous
pin me up against four walls caving in concede all my thoughts turn me on and off closed door left unlocked can i come in? i'll be quiet need to double check that your mind's set extended the leash told me i am free i don't want to be my world spinning blue so much you can lose when there's nothing left for you nothing more to be said but i'll keep on speaking until i lose my breath isn't that what love is? a lot goes into everything
i want white rice i want my window closed coldness is more bearable than moving i want it to be done now but i haven't gotten myself to start so i buy more things to distract me from what i bought i am the mother and the daughter advising against a hand on the stove touching it anyways because i can't know for sure until i feel how it hurts what do you do when what you love becomes a chore? where do you go when nothing feels good anymore? i hope the colors i have lost flow vibrantly through someone else and when they are all used up they might give them back to let me try again i don't see so clearly anymore vivid hues swapped for muted tones the shower is always too hot or cold balance is further than it used to be i hope all my forgotten thoughts make their way safely back to my head or spark brightly in someone else's while i mourn my poor memory an entire life spent trying to remember all that was left yesterday and 13 years ago offering too much attention to my ceiling and not enough to the world beyond it maybe bitterness is better than breaking down
but nobody’s counting & i’m the one losing time staying home obsessively pulling red string for a vague answer but conclusions are killing me slowly and he will end my life faster then it’s all too much and my neck is strangled by an invisible hand that belongs to someone between the both of us this new routine is unhealthy can’t be cured with company checking in compulsively to avoid the mind i was left with to reject the state i was put in picking up things and putting them out of place gaining space and losing shape returning to the driver’s seat face to face with who i couldn't be i can't look back and wish i cherished it more i can only see i held it too close and maybe that’s why it hurts so bad prying all my fingers off two unrelated daughters will share the same name because neither of us are letting up i’m let down by what i thought this was let go of my fear of trust disregarded my fear of love broke my own rule got too close didn’t think it'd be out of reach so quickly i was just getting ready to get used to this warming up running late for the show asking rhetorically if i was ready his eyes told me he was already gone static burned a hole in my throat no words could cut through no matter how loud or clear or persuasive i learned love might leave without waiting for me you trap the words inside my mouth
your palm upon my lips i pull you in, you turn around is there something i missed? i'm speeding up, you're slowing down let's make a compromise my body's numb, don't leave me now let's give it one last try tightroping on powerlines pull me over to the other side i won't read the warning signs it's not your fault, but i'll apologize pacing back and forth, i'm screaming loud you're sitting silently i'm staying in, you're going out processing differently i cannot find words to explain why i do the things i do i wish that you would try and stay but that's not fair to you move over from me i want you to stay close i know you're still here just further than i hoped you're no longer mine but i am still all yours you'd say, "love you more" now i love you the most hanging from a powerline you let go, i'm still holding on tight i hope you haunt my dreams tonight just to see your face another time my entire life inside your eyes my world lies in your hands i don't want it back, keep all that's mine until i can understand create before considering consumption
product offer purpose guaranteed you can't live without it just take it from me stay up all night work while no one's watching walk in the dark but make sure they know about it wrap yourself in a blanket whisper reassurances that they still care if you don't have those eyes you can't have nothing put away your paycheck to profit some loose change at least it's something to keep your pockets warm more than what you started with less sparkle in your eyes opportunity turned obligation clutch onto relevance until clean hands are calloused almost as if they know something
i don't feel pressure to pretend as everything is perfect if you try to wake up early do what they suggest just to end up inferior to somebody else it won't be too long before you're facing the curtains that conceal thousands of cold eyes soon to be revealed while fixating on you they're busy assuming their role laughing over the feedback while another laughs at their poor posture i hate the frequencies in somebody's favorite song someone has lit my favorite book on fire neither warm nor cold a calm storm, a peaceful war while the flames dilate my eyes i am assuming my role late to the beginning
early to the end nobody is here yet getting away by the narrowest of margins because i don't allow myself space i don't know a life with the freedom of having extra time extra room to fill extra provisions for later all at once or not at all i am writing as i sit in the station after missing my first train by some five minutes that could have been prevented with better planning i am writing as my laptop goes down from 35% after forgetting my charger which could have easily been brought if i would have thought for a second 9 assignments due by 9 and i haven't started one because i cannot start until the end i will be late for work but they won't be surprised getting away until i cannot get past it setting myself up to let them all down they don't understand the cycle, and neither do i move me, shake me
but don't tell me what to do touch me, break me so i can put the blame on you filling space with something i didn't need i have nothing to do with it look down at my hands like it wasn't me but it's encrypted on my fingertips i need a new place a different view but what is that supposed to do? i cannot run any place where my shadow won't follow frequency reduces magic spinning me into a cynical knots it's not as fun when i actually have it addicted to an empty slot pop open a compartment of my pink container
what becomes of me of my body less 50 milligrams? what is my authority if the container goes missing? i am shrouded by a blurry screen but the screams are not as loud i have created something sound proof built myself a cage i am the only keyholder so please don't get in the way did i take all five today are they overtaking me? am i abandoning my agency for some semblance of security? the sun makes way after a long winter
softening me from the inside out causing me to slow down and look around an exhale i've been holding in for years the relief of release letting go of what i didn't have to hold my heart in flux melted by a tealight candle the exudate travels through all my broken parts i'm getting better now the darkness is not gone but it is assuaged and i think we all have the fear that the other only looks at what they want to see only hears what they want to be told and uses pretty words just so they can receive them to be validated, to be filled but with one touch you rid me of any semblance of skepticism i don't know where i'm going but i know you're coming with me you see me as delicate for what i thought was mere fragility the future feels a little more written a harbor of stability rid myself of preconceived conditions set the script on fire leaning in, diving slow one by one, remove what comes between i'm here if you are if you plan to stay up for a while paint me onto you trace my every move softer, lighter gentler, brighter learning that purity can be restored and scars can be healed instead of covered up looking ahead used to make me run backwards but now i'm no longer afraid rather expectant to be adored by hands that will not hurt me to be held by a pure mind to be absorbed by eyes of steel blue to be in proximity of this heart that beats beside me to be rocked to sleep by a voice speaking softly but i resist hypnagogia i want to live in this feeling for as long as i can for as long as my eyes will allow me and for the first time right here is the only place i want to be i am starting to feel like myself again
like there has been a shift maybe i'm finally rising back up to the surface maybe it will fade by tomorrow but finally finally i look outside the window and see the lights a little more vibrantly in the city i dreamed about a city that has felt so dark has been illuminated once more and i think to myself, "i can dream again" finally i'm dreaming again i can hear it i can see it i can almost touch it let me get there before i go back down i have everything i need finally now i am told to trust myself but there is nowhere to place the anchor i can only ride the waves yesterday i was drowning on the bottom today i am swimming on the surface and i can only speak for myself today and i cannot place any bets on tomorrow or even the next five minutes it comes in waves but finally i am reunited with hope after some cold few months i try not to think too hard about returning to the cold because i am here now i am warm finally the pattern is unpredictable but looking back, i see similarities of up and down in front and behind above and below but never in between i am on the better side now perhaps dangerous perhaps too fast perhaps impulsive perhaps fleeting but finally for now finally as a means to organize
compartmentalize and get frustrated with myself when it doesn't turn out right when i can't get across what i am feeling even to myself toward myself beside myself in front of and behind above and below nothing can feel complete when you don't know where to start it feels like i'm forgetting what i was supposed to remember and remembering everything i was supposed to forget i say, "go easy" "give me time" "can you repeat that?" "it's one of those days" "maybe tomorrow" but everyday is one of those days and every moment tomorrow is the same prompted laughter premeditated facial expressions rehearsed reactions beginning and ending the day alone performing until i close the curtain but the show is still not over rid me of consciousness empty me of everything fill me up with nothing and start over the scene let me try again only if there's enough time to preface,
i am not setting out to write with the intention of sounding eloquent or profound but rather to document my personal state of affairs as an act of surrender because my head is the heaviest it has been in awhile it feels colder every winter and the amount of people that keep me warm are dwindling fewer and fewer less and less more room to breathe but not enough body heat i've never had a fear of abandonment or been scared of ending up alone but i've become closely acquainted with loneliness lately it doesn't frighten me but i can't deny how empty it feels i have a hard time with permanence in any form if it's not right in front of me, it was never there it will never return if i don't feel it now, i've never felt it and i never will again i've realized how i try and attach meaning to everything psychoanalyze what somebody's thinking by the way they are looking at me i am over prepared for things that will never happen yet always taken by surprise i assign each outcome to my circumstances, to my anxieties, to my shortcomings, to my theories, to my diagnoses, to the stars and degrees of which the planets are spinning to anything and everything but maybe things are happening just because they're happening i've become highly aware of the disconnect between my body and my mind when my thoughts are racing, i am not physically there and when my body is moving quickly, my mind cannot catch up to it i think i can do it but my body doesn't follow through my body starts but my mind turns off i have too much ambition but little to no endurance to back it up this year i will bring the two in harmony i've been faced with the fact that i lack self-trust i ask for other's opinions, advice, ears, and eyes before i consider my own i am second to myself the passenger in my own car maybe that's why i'm afraid to drive, to fail, to try, to learn, to start, to stop, to decide, to speak up, to do anything at all this year i will embrace myself using my own hands i am always reminded that i have no control but this doesn't keep me from chasing after it i need to feel safe i never feel safe i am paranoid that somebody is listening that somebody is watching it might be more likely than i think and perhaps that's why i am always performing i want to break myself down and put myself back together unpin the tags others put on me and decorate myself with the ones i know to be true i am good i mean well i am a product of love and i pass it forward I AM GOOD I MEAN WELL I AM A PRODUCT OF LOVE AND I PASS IT FORWARD in every inhale and exhale i want things to get better i have hope that hurting can lead to healing and it keeps me breathing i am here and some days that's all i can be go easy no more second guessing no more hesitation the distinction between superstition and intuition will soon be met with lucidity i will not fear the eyes that are on me i will not think of how i am perceived there is a difference between looking and seeing touching and feeling hearing and listening i can't decide what others choose to do with me intended reception is never guaranteed but there is a sense of beauty in mystery i know i can't be promised safety i know stability is often out of reach but if i have control over anything it is existing authentically your eyes are a knife
i am split open by your stare your voice is a gun and my hands are in the air two minutes later, you ask "are you still there?" i want to run far away from you i want to hide but there's no use you always find me at the worst timing with your words that show no return you change the temperature of my face you change the color or my cheeks and i don't mean this in a good way i want to run but you put me in a box i want to hide but i'm smaller than i thought and you always confine me and confide in me and convince me that since you don't have hope i should not either and on your brightest days i should have nothing to complain about as if my feelings should move in tandem with yours but never yours with mine oh, give me space give me time to separate me from you reexamine what i value before you decide for me i am my own person i am nobody else's to negotiate, you widen the parameters of the box so i can stray further but never away you say it's out of your control as you increase the barbed wire to a higher voltage the fence is high and if i hurt myself trying to scale it it would be my fault, wouldn't it? for exercising freedom of choice? but you always told me is no free will everything has been set in all its permanence every word, every step, every great tragedy so it was always meant to be this way you as the predator me as the prey amidst a still water sea
wind shapes me into the crest and the valley with unpredictable amplitudes and fluctuating wavelengths manipulated by something higher, something deeply out of reach when you ridicule my tendencies please appoint my brain chemistry refusing to accept what i cannot control i continue to indulge in resistance unnecessary complexity will follow me until i learn to acknowledge my limits middle ground is met only in passing equilibrium looks up to me and down on me our alignment is fleeting our encounter is brief i long for her consistency and lament my imbalance she envies my mobility and execrates her stagnance if i never learn to stop moving how will i ever find peace? the tides may be out of my control but they are bound to recede eventually even if just for a transient moment where the wind doesn't take hold of me 365 days of 20 years
i started to see myself through my own eyes instead of others' i took small steps forward and even more backwards i fell more in love with the world around me and learned that nothing should be taken for granted i spiraled, i saw and heard what wasn't there, my delusions became frequent visitors i made many changes to my life and experienced what it feels like to grow in lock-step with my ideal self i broke my own heart and allowed others to break it for me i lost a friend on my first day of 20 and he's lived in my heart ever since i lost a friend when i was 7 hours from home and i never returned back to him i sacrificed my well being for the pursuit of hedonism and learned who i wasn't more than who i was i resented myself, i forgave myself i hurt myself, i hugged myself perhaps more than ever, i learned that i am up and i am down but never in between and i've learned to embrace it and become friends with myself i've learned that my intensity doesn't always follow through i've learned to be careful with my words i've compromised before negotiation and later realized my buying power it makes me emotional arriving at 21 i don't like growing up but the pause button is broken and i'm sick of rewinding and fast-forwarding so i will let it play and turn up the volume this is life in stereo and i will sing along as long as my heart beats and the world spins & to the stars and sun and moon, thank you for letting me see another year thank you for having me thank you for keeping me thank you for listening to me thank you for looking out for me i was early to take my first breath
i've been late to everything since i get lost at least once a day but i am still ambitious teach me anything you think i need but i will only retain what i want to remember my cynicism applies to me, too but that doesn't make me any better self-awareness is a heavy weight at an even higher price when you direct those pretty words toward me i will question why you're being nice when you think you've collected them all a new edition hits the shelves when you think you've learned everything a new perspective presents itself the line between too much and not enough thins out by the day i am above or i am below sometimes both the same but i am never on the line and never in tune with time once i get myself to make my way they've moved on to something newer the clearance continues to narrow and i knew i should have acted sooner but maybe that's just the pressure from being a conditioned consumer good and bad hold no meaning when faced with predestiny am i expending my time correctly or is time expending me? take whatever you desire whatever you deem necessary pour some water on the fire but alleviation is only temporary i will never have the upper hand when i am a dot on the satellite i will never have full control when everything is out of sight maybe i should increase my speed so i can see what they see maybe i should slow down now before life falls behind me the stars seem to be the only constant don't they grow tired of shining? it starts and ends in a hospital bed but do i really get to choose what happens in between? i cannot be anybody's everything when i am everybody's anything i'm up and i want to see it all does that make me self-seeking my sun rises far quicker than it sets my life begins and ends over and over again the line between superstition and intuition has not reached me with lucidity am i outsmarting my brain or is my brain outsmarting me? there is no sense of balance there is no song of harmony so i'll split myself into two and hold hands with polarity i used to have a photographic memory
now i can't remember anything it feels like every moment is dwindling and I don't remember what i'm forgetting please don't take it personally if i can't recall the things you have told me i try my hardest to listen carefully but you're competing with thousands of voices screaming is this insanity? or is this just the beginning of my descent? God please look out for me and remind me my life is not over yet clear canvas and i'm starting over though i never wanted to i see you now and i feel you but retroactive interference gets in the way and i won't remember this when it's yesterday days are bleeding into one another and i cannot put spilled water back into the glass next week i will be seven days older and i hope it doesn't come too fast we have no upper hand on transience we have no hold on what's out of our control do i sit back in passivity and watch it all change? or take refuge in my past so i never get old? white lies to soften the blow
you ask if you'll see me tomorrow nod my head and say goodnight false hope seems to buy me time say, "goodbye, i'll see you soon" but i know i'm not going to no excuses as to why i'll blame it on my busy life cut open a healing wound cause i don't have patience to see it through they say that time always heals but some scars never disappear ninety four messages unopened sorry that we haven't spoken truth is i'm beside myself small things make me overwhelmed meet me when i'm on the top floor i'll do everything you never asked me for when i jump don't try and save me i'm my own responsibility drowning in an elevated state no middle ground, only hyper-fluctuate i'm down, but i'll see the light again til hope is found, i'll be rapid cycling i'll lick the hypocrisy right off your lips
and spit it back into your mouth it's such a shame how the bad always outweighs the good because now I can't recall what i initially saw in you it's hard to see a silver lining when you shattered my rose colored lenses this isn't to say I don't care about you because why else would i still be here? i'll pick up the pieces of glass and glue them back together because it's cheaper than buying a new pair it's crazy how a socialite can be pushed so far as to want to be alone the water starts to boil over and i let it overflow i've never felt more like a stranger in my own skin and i thought i knew myself well i think you only choose to love me through premeditation so you can attack when I don't have the energy to retaliate i have a lot of regrets but the biggest were those three words i said out loud please try to learn to love me for what i'm not without me having to tell you how so scared of the silence
so i'll scream to make sound empty words are violent but i can't keep it down how do i take comfort when i know how it ends should i scare my mother? or concern all my friends? wipe away my tears and put on a show if i go off the script will anybody know? i think i missed my queue i'm running far behind everything is blurred now i cannot read the lines disconnect deactivate keep to myself when i'm in this state i shut myself off it feels safe this way lock all the doors until i need to escape then i will come inside keep you company and i won't speak up when i'm ready to leave is 'enough' too foreign a concept? will i ever become acquainted? when i stretch myself this thin what part of me do i get to keep? i'll tell anybody anything but never everything take a few steps back please i must leave some room for me i'm friends with inconsistency adorned in unreliability my memory is failing me what was i doing? please remind me my thoughts overgrown i'm far too used to this my mind longs for home but i'm not sure where that is i've been abandoned by the sheep
so i'll count every shadow i see and convince myself they are after me i watch the train pass by but i was too weak to board it maybe taking a different route will lead to better opportunity placed in between myself and who you want me to be is love a possibility? let me know before i lose myself completely you stare into my restless eyes and say, "i wish i could take it away from you" and trust me, i do too my fleeting mind cannot be eased by the sweetest lullaby
yarn tangled too tightly to loosen the knots through and through yet seemingly never out i search far and wide to find some sort of beauty in unpredictability but what's beautiful about overestimations and unfulfilled expectations? what's beautiful about letting my guard down just to have to fortify it even harder? i'm always catching myself being caught off-guard i must be ignorant to internalizing patterns unconscious assimilation of my surroundings long sailed away and too late to target now an inactivation of something that needs to be expressed at the hands of involuntary methylation equilibrium cannot be met at this exponential of a rate go with the flow just like i was programmed to do and embrace the unrelenting fluctuations in frequency should i be taking on an active or passive role? perhaps both of them simultaneously i want others to feel me but not just because i told them to i want others to feel me the way i intended working against slim odds of desired reception working in my favor for better or for worse, it's out of my control |
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