a year ago today i was in the hospital experiencing one of the lowest points of my life physically, emotionally and mentally. today i walked into the sun and listened to a CD. tomorrow i turn twenty three.
i hold an immense amount of gratitude for what twenty two taught me. i can confidently say i have taken life back as my own and found peace, happiness and health that i never thought could be mine. those things felt so out of reach. i couldn't hold lasting happiness outside a manic high or words of praise. most days i felt derealization -- a complete disconnection from my body and mind -- i was afraid of myself and everybody else. i didn't care much for myself or see life as something that needs to be nurtured and cradled with consistency. now i smile. i smile a lot and i follow the sun. there are flowers in my room from myself and people that i love. i can do things alone without feeling lonely. i spend extra time making dinner and walk slower and i don't get mad at myself for it. in a year alone, i lost myself and found myself with a clear conscience. everyday used to feel one half-step away from a disaster. there was seldom a time where my heart wasn't racing and i always felt like i was going to pass out. i was overworked, heartbroken sick, stressed beyond words, and carrying a heavy hurt that kept me tense. i felt like nothing more than a body, and for a time, only a shell of that body. i don't regret anything. the emotions i felt, the ways i reacted were how i felt. maybe i didn't know that at the time, but beneath the surface, i know now. it wasn't my fault. i wasn't too much and i was enough, just for the wrong people. last year i learned love -- something i have always been curious about. on the other side of it now, i feel grateful for what i learned about myself. i learned that i'm capable. i think i learned much more when that love was pulled from my hands and replaced with a mirror. twenty two taught me to let go. i want control and i always have. but exercising control can mean letting go, too. i no longer think letting go is giving up -- i see it more as a worthwhile investment everyone owes to themselves. some things and some people were only in my life to teach me that they shouldn't be. not in a way that makes me right and them wrong, but more as a lesson that we completed our circuits in each other's worlds. i don't regret anything. twenty two took me to europe which is something i used to lie awake dreaming of. i had conversations in different languages and took buses to nowhere and made friends on the streets and danced in crowds of people from all around the world. thousands of miles away from home i learned that home is an endless feeling. i've found home in so many places and i will find it over and over. i'm not stupid for dancing or feeling or writing and i'm sorry i spent some time feeling that way. i'm still working on it, but i am going to restore my relationship with creating and do so without hearing those voices of doubt on repeat. i don't need to shape myself to fit anywhere. i fit or i don't and it's not personal. i didn't lose any years of my life like i thought i did. i thought those times where i was mis-medicated, misdiagnosed and mistreated would surely kill me and irrevocably change me. i'm now learning that those times have only informed a present self that is now filled with more gratitude, understanding and relief. i am still sick, i always will be to some capacity. chronic illness is a proper name for what it is. each day is different and the imminence of a hospital trip or spiral are scary, but i think i've learned to work with these things almost as good as i was at working against them. twenty two year old me holds the love and passion i have always had. i looked in the mirror and i forgave myself little bits at a time. i forgive the people that brought me under and i am sorry to the people i ever worried. there were no wild enlightenments or epiphanies, just fragments of reflection and release tied to a luckier hand of cards. i was running for so long and now i can rest, finally for now. things worked out well, just how i didn't think they would. i'm okay today, tomorrow i will be okay and twenty three.
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i am starting to feel like myself again
like there has been a shift maybe i'm finally rising back up to the surface maybe it will fade by tomorrow but finally finally i look outside the window and see the lights a little more vibrantly in the city i dreamed about a city that has felt so dark has been illuminated once more and i think to myself, "i can dream again" finally i'm dreaming again i can hear it i can see it i can almost touch it let me get there before i go back down i have everything i need finally now i am told to trust myself but there is nowhere to place the anchor i can only ride the waves yesterday i was drowning on the bottom today i am swimming on the surface and i can only speak for myself today and i cannot place any bets on tomorrow or even the next five minutes it comes in waves but finally i am reunited with hope after some cold few months i try not to think too hard about returning to the cold because i am here now i am warm finally the pattern is unpredictable but looking back, i see similarities of up and down in front and behind above and below but never in between i am on the better side now perhaps dangerous perhaps too fast perhaps impulsive perhaps fleeting but finally for now finally to preface,
i am not setting out to write with the intention of sounding eloquent or profound but rather to document my personal state of affairs as an act of surrender because my head is the heaviest it has been in awhile it feels colder every winter and the amount of people that keep me warm are dwindling fewer and fewer less and less more room to breathe but not enough body heat i've never had a fear of abandonment or been scared of ending up alone but i've become closely acquainted with loneliness lately it doesn't frighten me but i can't deny how empty it feels i have a hard time with permanence in any form if it's not right in front of me, it was never there it will never return if i don't feel it now, i've never felt it and i never will again i've realized how i try and attach meaning to everything psychoanalyze what somebody's thinking by the way they are looking at me i am over prepared for things that will never happen yet always taken by surprise i assign each outcome to my circumstances, to my anxieties, to my shortcomings, to my theories, to my diagnoses, to the stars and degrees of which the planets are spinning to anything and everything but maybe things are happening just because they're happening i've become highly aware of the disconnect between my body and my mind when my thoughts are racing, i am not physically there and when my body is moving quickly, my mind cannot catch up to it i think i can do it but my body doesn't follow through my body starts but my mind turns off i have too much ambition but little to no endurance to back it up this year i will bring the two in harmony i've been faced with the fact that i lack self-trust i ask for other's opinions, advice, ears, and eyes before i consider my own i am second to myself the passenger in my own car maybe that's why i'm afraid to drive, to fail, to try, to learn, to start, to stop, to decide, to speak up, to do anything at all this year i will embrace myself using my own hands i am always reminded that i have no control but this doesn't keep me from chasing after it i need to feel safe i never feel safe i am paranoid that somebody is listening that somebody is watching it might be more likely than i think and perhaps that's why i am always performing i want to break myself down and put myself back together unpin the tags others put on me and decorate myself with the ones i know to be true i am good i mean well i am a product of love and i pass it forward I AM GOOD I MEAN WELL I AM A PRODUCT OF LOVE AND I PASS IT FORWARD in every inhale and exhale i want things to get better i have hope that hurting can lead to healing and it keeps me breathing i am here and some days that's all i can be go easy no more second guessing no more hesitation the distinction between superstition and intuition will soon be met with lucidity i will not fear the eyes that are on me i will not think of how i am perceived there is a difference between looking and seeing touching and feeling hearing and listening i can't decide what others choose to do with me intended reception is never guaranteed but there is a sense of beauty in mystery i know i can't be promised safety i know stability is often out of reach but if i have control over anything it is existing authentically 365 days of 20 years
i started to see myself through my own eyes instead of others' i took small steps forward and even more backwards i fell more in love with the world around me and learned that nothing should be taken for granted i spiraled, i saw and heard what wasn't there, my delusions became frequent visitors i made many changes to my life and experienced what it feels like to grow in lock-step with my ideal self i broke my own heart and allowed others to break it for me i lost a friend on my first day of 20 and he's lived in my heart ever since i lost a friend when i was 7 hours from home and i never returned back to him i sacrificed my well being for the pursuit of hedonism and learned who i wasn't more than who i was i resented myself, i forgave myself i hurt myself, i hugged myself perhaps more than ever, i learned that i am up and i am down but never in between and i've learned to embrace it and become friends with myself i've learned that my intensity doesn't always follow through i've learned to be careful with my words i've compromised before negotiation and later realized my buying power it makes me emotional arriving at 21 i don't like growing up but the pause button is broken and i'm sick of rewinding and fast-forwarding so i will let it play and turn up the volume this is life in stereo and i will sing along as long as my heart beats and the world spins & to the stars and sun and moon, thank you for letting me see another year thank you for having me thank you for keeping me thank you for listening to me thank you for looking out for me My dad and I have not always seen eye to eye on everything. However, music is one thing that has always connected us. My dad is a huge fan of all things vintage -- our garage is adorned with antiques and nearly each room in our house contains a record player. He has just about every vinyl record one could imagine. One night in August of 2017, he asked me if I had ever heard Pink Floyd's The Wall all the way through. I had not. Of course, I had heard a few of their hit singles such as "Wish You Were Here" and "Comfortably Numb," but I had not delved much further.
Thus, that night, he launched me into the world of Pink Floyd, and it made more of an impact on me than I could have ever imagined. We sat down in the "'70s Room--" yes, our guest room is themed with all things psychedelia -- and he set down the needle on Side A of The Wall. The '70s Room has the best-quality record player in the house, and he wanted to make sure I got the full experience. And there we sat, staring at the ceiling, accompanied only by the buzzing of an old blacklight and the encompassing, ethereal sounds of the record. The philosophical lyrics spoke to me in a clarity that I don't think I had ever prior experienced. As the record played through, my dad would periodically explain the meanings behind the lyrics. However, I already understood. This was not just a record -- this was a story, an experience. I entered another world as a line from the sixteenth track pierced me in the chest: I've got wild staring eyes / And I've got a strong urge to fly / But I've got nowhere to fly to (fly to...fly to...fly to...). With each reverb-drowned lyric, glittery guitar solo, and hallucination-inducing synth chord, I felt as if I was listening to an orchestra of my own inner thoughts. The Wall is not just a record, it is a philosophy that I now hold close to me. All in all, it's just another brick in the wall is to say that every trial that Pink, the main character, faced was just an addition to the metaphorical wall he built that closed him off from the outside world. However, toward the end of the opera, it all comes full circle as he tears down his wall, inhabiting all the traits he had once resented. The brick of his father's death, his schoolteacher's tyranny, his mother's overprotection, his wife's adultery, all became part of his new fascist leader identity. This record influenced me in so many ways. I became more passionate about music as a whole, as both a music fan and musician. It allowed me to connect with my father and share our passion for music. And most of all, it taught me to embrace every "brick in my wall," rather than allowing them to harden my heart. two more days of my teenage years
if i could stay here forever i would, but life goes on & i will get older i am scared of getting older i do not want to get older but there's no going back now nineteen has taught me many things i didn't want to know, but perhaps needed to i truly believe i visited rock bottom as well as cloud nine nineteen i lived in my dreams nineteen i lived in my nightmares i made some of the best friends i could ever ask for and experienced some of my favorite memories alongside them nineteen i let people use me nineteen i started to realize my worth i created, i wrote, i sang, i loved i caved, i quit, i cried, i gave too much nineteen i lost ones i love but i didn't really lose them, they're still here with me nineteen i screamed at the top of my lungs, cried out to the higher power, unable to breathe from fear and pain and suffering nineteen i screamed at the top of my lungs, thanked the higher power, unable to breathe from jumping around and laughing and dancing nineteen i found myself nineteen i lost myself over and over i saw things get better i saw things get worse over and over i saw the world get flipped on its head and i cried for the world often i cried for my friends and myself i celebrated & i mourned often some days of nineteen i saw the world in technicolor and kaleidoscopes other days i saw the world in nothing but the bleakest hue of grey some days of nineteen i thought i wouldn't see twenty with just two days left, i feel that way today two more days, i think i can make it but the world is uncertain and nineteen taught me that more than ever nineteen was a year of balance - my lows made me appreciate my highs all the more i learned to rejoice when things are just okay - neither good nor bad - and bask in the okayness of life i guess now it is time to see what twenty offers i hope i have the strength to take on whatever it throws my way sometimes i wonder, am i sure i belong here?
i envision myself living twenty alternate lives and convince myself this is the best possible one. i convince myself this is the only one. longing for things i don't have does nothing good--it only weakens the experience of the current moment. but i cannot help but wonder how life would be if i would have gone on exchange in Denmark, if i would have lived out that life i dreamt of so recklessly my freshman and sophomore years. or perhaps, how would life be if i would not have had to give up dancing due to health problems? would i still be dancing through the streets of Chicago as i am now? or would i be in a crammed apartment in New York, longing for fresh air? what if i chose to accept the offer from that school in Nashville? or Arizona? or Texas? who would i be, what would i be doing right now? but like i said, i shouldn't think about such things. i want to take the cards i've been dealt and the decisions i've made, put them in a bag, and say, "i am here. thanks to these, this is why i am who i am, where i am, and what i have become. thanks to these, i'm living this life that could not have ended up any other way." many times, horrible circumstances have pushed me toward a better path. on a lighter note, sometimes tiny decisions have built upon one another and changed the trajectory of my life. all past and presumptions about the future aside, i am here. and that's what matters. there are a lot of important things happening in life right now
but unfortunately, i often fail to wrap my brain around them instead, i live life quite loosely because i cannot comprehend what's in front of me lately, i've considered my writing worthless i have neglected to let my words hit paper, even when they really wanted to i've kept them surfaced at the top of my mind mostly because i see words being painted in a more delicate manner by others i see them constructed with such grace and eloquence but i must remember this life experience is different for the person to my left and my right i write to try and make sense of it, not to try and be the best and everyone who surrenders to pen and paper has been driven by a complex reason or perhaps replace pen and paper with a paintbrush, piano, or pointe shoes art is a result of hope or a dream or a cry out for help or an attempted escape and if that doesn't hold merit, i don't know what does feelings of intensity have their downfalls
being overly passionate can be drowning i feel as if i live on two opposites of a spectrum a spectrum of what, i don't know perhaps each and every spectrum of feeling, of being i am never able to make up my mind all i know is that i am not in the middle and i never will be i love, or i hate i feel, or i don't i laugh, or i cry never anything in between nothing about me is certain it's hard to love the person i am when i haven't figured out who she truly is i want to love somebody but i don't think i have the ability to i need to find comfort and clarity within myself first i'm loving myself while simultaneously hating each and every aspect of my being i wish i wasn't so externally hesitant because in my mind, i stand firm what is it that i'm afraid of? maybe not rejection, but moreover being blatantly misunderstood i must find the right words to say frankly i don't know if anything makes sense i don't know if my writing makes sense to anybody because it sure doesn't make much sense to me sometimes i kind of want to run but i also want to sleep i wish i could feel my feet on the middle ground |
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