i shut and lock the door
and sit down on the shower floor make the water as hot as it can be and let it all drown over me read aloud the words on the shampoo bottle so i can practice my french but i only read it for myself there's nobody else, there's nobody else with everything i feel, i need to get it out to reassure myself that i am not alone in my doubts and that my thoughts are not as crazy as they sometimes sound relatability is hard to reach when there's nobody around no one will ever know everything i don't make known i can't decide whether i take comfort or fear in that but i feel a constant compulsion to make an impression that lasts i get in my car i don't drive very far roll the window down, order a coffee all the while, the only passenger is me and this is the biggest adventure i've embarked on in weeks begging the person in the other lane to glance at me driven by an unfulfilled urge to feel seen constantly it'll never leave an unexamined life is not worth living
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October 2023
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