a year ago today i was in the hospital experiencing one of the lowest points of my life physically, emotionally and mentally. today i walked into the sun and listened to a CD. tomorrow i turn twenty three.
i hold an immense amount of gratitude for what twenty two taught me. i can confidently say i have taken life back as my own and found peace, happiness and health that i never thought could be mine. those things felt so out of reach. i couldn't hold lasting happiness outside a manic high or words of praise. most days i felt derealization -- a complete disconnection from my body and mind -- i was afraid of myself and everybody else. i didn't care much for myself or see life as something that needs to be nurtured and cradled with consistency. now i smile. i smile a lot and i follow the sun. there are flowers in my room from myself and people that i love. i can do things alone without feeling lonely. i spend extra time making dinner and walk slower and i don't get mad at myself for it. in a year alone, i lost myself and found myself with a clear conscience. everyday used to feel one half-step away from a disaster. there was seldom a time where my heart wasn't racing and i always felt like i was going to pass out. i was overworked, heartbroken sick, stressed beyond words, and carrying a heavy hurt that kept me tense. i felt like nothing more than a body, and for a time, only a shell of that body. i don't regret anything. the emotions i felt, the ways i reacted were how i felt. maybe i didn't know that at the time, but beneath the surface, i know now. it wasn't my fault. i wasn't too much and i was enough, just for the wrong people. last year i learned love -- something i have always been curious about. on the other side of it now, i feel grateful for what i learned about myself. i learned that i'm capable. i think i learned much more when that love was pulled from my hands and replaced with a mirror. twenty two taught me to let go. i want control and i always have. but exercising control can mean letting go, too. i no longer think letting go is giving up -- i see it more as a worthwhile investment everyone owes to themselves. some things and some people were only in my life to teach me that they shouldn't be. not in a way that makes me right and them wrong, but more as a lesson that we completed our circuits in each other's worlds. i don't regret anything. twenty two took me to europe which is something i used to lie awake dreaming of. i had conversations in different languages and took buses to nowhere and made friends on the streets and danced in crowds of people from all around the world. thousands of miles away from home i learned that home is an endless feeling. i've found home in so many places and i will find it over and over. i'm not stupid for dancing or feeling or writing and i'm sorry i spent some time feeling that way. i'm still working on it, but i am going to restore my relationship with creating and do so without hearing those voices of doubt on repeat. i don't need to shape myself to fit anywhere. i fit or i don't and it's not personal. i didn't lose any years of my life like i thought i did. i thought those times where i was mis-medicated, misdiagnosed and mistreated would surely kill me and irrevocably change me. i'm now learning that those times have only informed a present self that is now filled with more gratitude, understanding and relief. i am still sick, i always will be to some capacity. chronic illness is a proper name for what it is. each day is different and the imminence of a hospital trip or spiral are scary, but i think i've learned to work with these things almost as good as i was at working against them. twenty two year old me holds the love and passion i have always had. i looked in the mirror and i forgave myself little bits at a time. i forgive the people that brought me under and i am sorry to the people i ever worried. there were no wild enlightenments or epiphanies, just fragments of reflection and release tied to a luckier hand of cards. i was running for so long and now i can rest, finally for now. things worked out well, just how i didn't think they would. i'm okay today, tomorrow i will be okay and twenty three.
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