i am starting to feel like myself again
like there has been a shift maybe i'm finally rising back up to the surface maybe it will fade by tomorrow but finally finally i look outside the window and see the lights a little more vibrantly in the city i dreamed about a city that has felt so dark has been illuminated once more and i think to myself, "i can dream again" finally i'm dreaming again i can hear it i can see it i can almost touch it let me get there before i go back down i have everything i need finally now i am told to trust myself but there is nowhere to place the anchor i can only ride the waves yesterday i was drowning on the bottom today i am swimming on the surface and i can only speak for myself today and i cannot place any bets on tomorrow or even the next five minutes it comes in waves but finally i am reunited with hope after some cold few months i try not to think too hard about returning to the cold because i am here now i am warm finally the pattern is unpredictable but looking back, i see similarities of up and down in front and behind above and below but never in between i am on the better side now perhaps dangerous perhaps too fast perhaps impulsive perhaps fleeting but finally for now finally
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as a means to organize
compartmentalize and get frustrated with myself when it doesn't turn out right when i can't get across what i am feeling even to myself toward myself beside myself in front of and behind above and below nothing can feel complete when you don't know where to start it feels like i'm forgetting what i was supposed to remember and remembering everything i was supposed to forget i say, "go easy" "give me time" "can you repeat that?" "it's one of those days" "maybe tomorrow" but everyday is one of those days and every moment tomorrow is the same prompted laughter premeditated facial expressions rehearsed reactions beginning and ending the day alone performing until i close the curtain but the show is still not over rid me of consciousness empty me of everything fill me up with nothing and start over the scene let me try again only if there's enough time to preface,
i am not setting out to write with the intention of sounding eloquent or profound but rather to document my personal state of affairs as an act of surrender because my head is the heaviest it has been in awhile it feels colder every winter and the amount of people that keep me warm are dwindling fewer and fewer less and less more room to breathe but not enough body heat i've never had a fear of abandonment or been scared of ending up alone but i've become closely acquainted with loneliness lately it doesn't frighten me but i can't deny how empty it feels i have a hard time with permanence in any form if it's not right in front of me, it was never there it will never return if i don't feel it now, i've never felt it and i never will again i've realized how i try and attach meaning to everything psychoanalyze what somebody's thinking by the way they are looking at me i am over prepared for things that will never happen yet always taken by surprise i assign each outcome to my circumstances, to my anxieties, to my shortcomings, to my theories, to my diagnoses, to the stars and degrees of which the planets are spinning to anything and everything but maybe things are happening just because they're happening i've become highly aware of the disconnect between my body and my mind when my thoughts are racing, i am not physically there and when my body is moving quickly, my mind cannot catch up to it i think i can do it but my body doesn't follow through my body starts but my mind turns off i have too much ambition but little to no endurance to back it up this year i will bring the two in harmony i've been faced with the fact that i lack self-trust i ask for other's opinions, advice, ears, and eyes before i consider my own i am second to myself the passenger in my own car maybe that's why i'm afraid to drive, to fail, to try, to learn, to start, to stop, to decide, to speak up, to do anything at all this year i will embrace myself using my own hands i am always reminded that i have no control but this doesn't keep me from chasing after it i need to feel safe i never feel safe i am paranoid that somebody is listening that somebody is watching it might be more likely than i think and perhaps that's why i am always performing i want to break myself down and put myself back together unpin the tags others put on me and decorate myself with the ones i know to be true i am good i mean well i am a product of love and i pass it forward I AM GOOD I MEAN WELL I AM A PRODUCT OF LOVE AND I PASS IT FORWARD in every inhale and exhale i want things to get better i have hope that hurting can lead to healing and it keeps me breathing i am here and some days that's all i can be go easy no more second guessing no more hesitation the distinction between superstition and intuition will soon be met with lucidity i will not fear the eyes that are on me i will not think of how i am perceived there is a difference between looking and seeing touching and feeling hearing and listening i can't decide what others choose to do with me intended reception is never guaranteed but there is a sense of beauty in mystery i know i can't be promised safety i know stability is often out of reach but if i have control over anything it is existing authentically |
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October 2023
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