maximum volume, blinding headlights
distracted by all the nonsense on my mind avoiding all those who care for me most i’ll be home later, i left you a note straying from each and every responsibility so close to hitting the car right in front of me recovering even though nothing happened sometimes i can’t win against all of my madness i try to slow down because i’m driving too fast what’s the point in living if it wasn’t meant to last? i tried my best, but i ended up crashing blinded by the red and blue lights flashing life is still happening right out of my reach while i’m behind the bars, longing to be free
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i cannot place my heart into someone else's hands
my mind is always changing, i have bigger plans i can no longer conform to the idea from society of seeing two in love and wishing it was me why was i ever feeling sorry? what's so great about codependency? i cannot essentially dilute my life to moments of waiting for a reply i can't give up independence, for it's all i know i don't want someone holding me back when it's time to go maybe i'm stubborn, maybe i'm just not ready to confide in someone when my heart is heavy i've only ever relied on the comfort of myself i'm afraid of seeking that from someone else i don't want to be someone else's responsibility when i make mistakes, they should only pertain to me --- i don't think a lot before i do and i don't want that affecting you i swear it's not you, it's me perhaps it always will be i deal with too far too much insecurity to believe i could be loved with absolute certainty to be sincere, i'm scared of giving myself away i've worked so hard to be who i am today i've seen firsthand the damage of heartbreak and know that it's a risk i'm not willing to take i've already been broken in other ways i'm left with no option but to play it safe i can't participate in this game of love until the day i feel ready to open up whatever you do, don't wait for me because there's far too much world to see i need to give myself some time to grow and when it's time, i'll surely know i’m in a big white room with nothing around me
not even the slightest hint of familiarity i’m in a dark compressed room at the same exact time experiencing the illusions comprised from my mind it seems so real but i can’t seem to feel the walls that are caving in the air that is getting thin i pinch my arm just to know i’m here wondering what it’s like to live without fear the ceiling’s spinning and flips upside down my ears are ringing from the piercing sound i open my eyes and try to compose myself but the cold looks infer that i need some help i’m in a classroom but i’m in the clouds i try to listen but it’s far too loud why should merely existing be such a task? i want life to feel real but that’s too much to ask |
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October 2023
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