a feeling in my stomach that's been here for years
i've become immune to it, i'm friends with my fears i want my words to help others but they do nothing for me how do i express the way i feel effectively? nobody will ever know what's happening inside i don't understand, although i've always tried nights like these it's hard to breathe i'm thousands of miles away from myself i fear i won't find her without someone else's help
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sometimes i wonder, am i sure i belong here?
i envision myself living twenty alternate lives and convince myself this is the best possible one. i convince myself this is the only one. longing for things i don't have does nothing good--it only weakens the experience of the current moment. but i cannot help but wonder how life would be if i would have gone on exchange in Denmark, if i would have lived out that life i dreamt of so recklessly my freshman and sophomore years. or perhaps, how would life be if i would not have had to give up dancing due to health problems? would i still be dancing through the streets of Chicago as i am now? or would i be in a crammed apartment in New York, longing for fresh air? what if i chose to accept the offer from that school in Nashville? or Arizona? or Texas? who would i be, what would i be doing right now? but like i said, i shouldn't think about such things. i want to take the cards i've been dealt and the decisions i've made, put them in a bag, and say, "i am here. thanks to these, this is why i am who i am, where i am, and what i have become. thanks to these, i'm living this life that could not have ended up any other way." many times, horrible circumstances have pushed me toward a better path. on a lighter note, sometimes tiny decisions have built upon one another and changed the trajectory of my life. all past and presumptions about the future aside, i am here. and that's what matters. |
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October 2023
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