lo siento todo el tiempo
y temo que lo estoy perdiéndolo te conté todo de mis historias y ofrecerte mis pulmones con cada sonido, con cada aliento, te quisiste menos de mí aquí vienen las palabras que tenía miedo de oír con un sentimiento que me pesa en el pecho seguir sintiéndolo hasta inhalar otra vez quizás si hubiera hablado menos, me habrías escuchado y tal vez este fue nuestro destino solo para pasear juntos por un momento sin un destino o un motivo quiero creer que aún no lo sabíamos romper las piezas dispersarse aceptar que no puedan encajar crear algo nuevo en lugar de comprar pegamento volver a empezar trabajar a mi ritmo ahora salgo sola, lo que implica que puedo terminar a cualquier lugar me pregunto, ¿es esta libertad o la soledad? me he dado cuenta que pueden coexistir al final estoy arriba y abajo ayer no hice nada para ayudarme hoy avancé y mañana podría destruirlo pero estar viva es caminar adelante y atrás
0 Comments
rigid, rigorous
pin me up against four walls caving in concede all my thoughts turn me on and off closed door left unlocked can i come in? i'll be quiet need to double check that your mind's set extended the leash told me i am free i don't want to be my world spinning blue so much you can lose when there's nothing left for you nothing more to be said but i'll keep on speaking until i lose my breath isn't that what love is? a lot goes into everything
i want white rice i want my window closed coldness is more bearable than moving i want it to be done now but i haven't gotten myself to start so i buy more things to distract me from what i bought i am the mother and the daughter advising against a hand on the stove touching it anyways because i can't know for sure until i feel how it hurts what do you do when what you love becomes a chore? where do you go when nothing feels good anymore? i hope the colors i have lost flow vibrantly through someone else and when they are all used up they might give them back to let me try again i don't see so clearly anymore vivid hues swapped for muted tones the shower is always too hot or cold balance is further than it used to be i hope all my forgotten thoughts make their way safely back to my head or spark brightly in someone else's while i mourn my poor memory an entire life spent trying to remember all that was left yesterday and 13 years ago offering too much attention to my ceiling and not enough to the world beyond it maybe bitterness is better than breaking down
but nobody’s counting & i’m the one losing time staying home obsessively pulling red string for a vague answer but conclusions are killing me slowly and he will end my life faster then it’s all too much and my neck is strangled by an invisible hand that belongs to someone between the both of us this new routine is unhealthy can’t be cured with company checking in compulsively to avoid the mind i was left with to reject the state i was put in picking up things and putting them out of place gaining space and losing shape returning to the driver’s seat face to face with who i couldn't be i can't look back and wish i cherished it more i can only see i held it too close and maybe that’s why it hurts so bad prying all my fingers off two unrelated daughters will share the same name because neither of us are letting up i’m let down by what i thought this was let go of my fear of trust disregarded my fear of love broke my own rule got too close didn’t think it'd be out of reach so quickly i was just getting ready to get used to this warming up running late for the show asking rhetorically if i was ready his eyes told me he was already gone static burned a hole in my throat no words could cut through no matter how loud or clear or persuasive i learned love might leave without waiting for me you trap the words inside my mouth
your palm upon my lips i pull you in, you turn around is there something i missed? i'm speeding up, you're slowing down let's make a compromise my body's numb, don't leave me now let's give it one last try tightroping on powerlines pull me over to the other side i won't read the warning signs it's not your fault, but i'll apologize pacing back and forth, i'm screaming loud you're sitting silently i'm staying in, you're going out processing differently i cannot find words to explain why i do the things i do i wish that you would try and stay but that's not fair to you move over from me i want you to stay close i know you're still here just further than i hoped you're no longer mine but i am still all yours you'd say, "love you more" now i love you the most hanging from a powerline you let go, i'm still holding on tight i hope you haunt my dreams tonight just to see your face another time my entire life inside your eyes my world lies in your hands i don't want it back, keep all that's mine until i can understand create before considering consumption
product offer purpose guaranteed you can't live without it just take it from me stay up all night work while no one's watching walk in the dark but make sure they know about it wrap yourself in a blanket whisper reassurances that they still care if you don't have those eyes you can't have nothing put away your paycheck to profit some loose change at least it's something to keep your pockets warm more than what you started with less sparkle in your eyes opportunity turned obligation clutch onto relevance until clean hands are calloused late to the beginning
early to the end nobody is here yet getting away by the narrowest of margins because i don't allow myself space i don't know a life with the freedom of having extra time extra room to fill extra provisions for later all at once or not at all i am writing as i sit in the station after missing my first train by some five minutes that could have been prevented with better planning i am writing as my laptop goes down from 35% after forgetting my charger which could have easily been brought if i would have thought for a second 9 assignments due by 9 and i haven't started one because i cannot start until the end i will be late for work but they won't be surprised getting away until i cannot get past it setting myself up to let them all down they don't understand the cycle, and neither do i move me, shake me
but don't tell me what to do touch me, break me so i can put the blame on you filling space with something i didn't need i have nothing to do with it look down at my hands like it wasn't me but it's encrypted on my fingertips i need a new place a different view but what is that supposed to do? i cannot run any place where my shadow won't follow frequency reduces magic spinning me into a cynical knots it's not as fun when i actually have it addicted to an empty slot pop open a compartment of my pink container
what becomes of me of my body less 50 milligrams? what is my authority if the container goes missing? i am shrouded by a blurry screen but the screams are not as loud i have created something sound proof built myself a cage i am the only keyholder so please don't get in the way did i take all five today are they overtaking me? am i abandoning my agency for some semblance of security? as a means to organize
compartmentalize and get frustrated with myself when it doesn't turn out right when i can't get across what i am feeling even to myself toward myself beside myself in front of and behind above and below nothing can feel complete when you don't know where to start it feels like i'm forgetting what i was supposed to remember and remembering everything i was supposed to forget i say, "go easy" "give me time" "can you repeat that?" "it's one of those days" "maybe tomorrow" but everyday is one of those days and every moment tomorrow is the same prompted laughter premeditated facial expressions rehearsed reactions beginning and ending the day alone performing until i close the curtain but the show is still not over rid me of consciousness empty me of everything fill me up with nothing and start over the scene let me try again only if there's enough time your eyes are a knife
i am split open by your stare your voice is a gun and my hands are in the air two minutes later, you ask "are you still there?" i want to run far away from you i want to hide but there's no use you always find me at the worst timing with your words that show no return you change the temperature of my face you change the color or my cheeks and i don't mean this in a good way i want to run but you put me in a box i want to hide but i'm smaller than i thought and you always confine me and confide in me and convince me that since you don't have hope i should not either and on your brightest days i should have nothing to complain about as if my feelings should move in tandem with yours but never yours with mine oh, give me space give me time to separate me from you reexamine what i value before you decide for me i am my own person i am nobody else's to negotiate, you widen the parameters of the box so i can stray further but never away you say it's out of your control as you increase the barbed wire to a higher voltage the fence is high and if i hurt myself trying to scale it it would be my fault, wouldn't it? for exercising freedom of choice? but you always told me is no free will everything has been set in all its permanence every word, every step, every great tragedy so it was always meant to be this way you as the predator me as the prey amidst a still water sea
wind shapes me into the crest and the valley with unpredictable amplitudes and fluctuating wavelengths manipulated by something higher, something deeply out of reach when you ridicule my tendencies please appoint my brain chemistry refusing to accept what i cannot control i continue to indulge in resistance unnecessary complexity will follow me until i learn to acknowledge my limits middle ground is met only in passing equilibrium looks up to me and down on me our alignment is fleeting our encounter is brief i long for her consistency and lament my imbalance she envies my mobility and execrates her stagnance if i never learn to stop moving how will i ever find peace? the tides may be out of my control but they are bound to recede eventually even if just for a transient moment where the wind doesn't take hold of me i was early to take my first breath
i've been late to everything since i get lost at least once a day but i am still ambitious teach me anything you think i need but i will only retain what i want to remember my cynicism applies to me, too but that doesn't make me any better self-awareness is a heavy weight at an even higher price when you direct those pretty words toward me i will question why you're being nice when you think you've collected them all a new edition hits the shelves when you think you've learned everything a new perspective presents itself the line between too much and not enough thins out by the day i am above or i am below sometimes both the same but i am never on the line and never in tune with time once i get myself to make my way they've moved on to something newer the clearance continues to narrow and i knew i should have acted sooner but maybe that's just the pressure from being a conditioned consumer good and bad hold no meaning when faced with predestiny am i expending my time correctly or is time expending me? take whatever you desire whatever you deem necessary pour some water on the fire but alleviation is only temporary i will never have the upper hand when i am a dot on the satellite i will never have full control when everything is out of sight maybe i should increase my speed so i can see what they see maybe i should slow down now before life falls behind me the stars seem to be the only constant don't they grow tired of shining? it starts and ends in a hospital bed but do i really get to choose what happens in between? i cannot be anybody's everything when i am everybody's anything i'm up and i want to see it all does that make me self-seeking my sun rises far quicker than it sets my life begins and ends over and over again the line between superstition and intuition has not reached me with lucidity am i outsmarting my brain or is my brain outsmarting me? there is no sense of balance there is no song of harmony so i'll split myself into two and hold hands with polarity i used to have a photographic memory
now i can't remember anything it feels like every moment is dwindling and I don't remember what i'm forgetting please don't take it personally if i can't recall the things you have told me i try my hardest to listen carefully but you're competing with thousands of voices screaming is this insanity? or is this just the beginning of my descent? God please look out for me and remind me my life is not over yet clear canvas and i'm starting over though i never wanted to i see you now and i feel you but retroactive interference gets in the way and i won't remember this when it's yesterday days are bleeding into one another and i cannot put spilled water back into the glass next week i will be seven days older and i hope it doesn't come too fast we have no upper hand on transience we have no hold on what's out of our control do i sit back in passivity and watch it all change? or take refuge in my past so i never get old? white lies to soften the blow
you ask if you'll see me tomorrow nod my head and say goodnight false hope seems to buy me time say, "goodbye, i'll see you soon" but i know i'm not going to no excuses as to why i'll blame it on my busy life cut open a healing wound cause i don't have patience to see it through they say that time always heals but some scars never disappear ninety four messages unopened sorry that we haven't spoken truth is i'm beside myself small things make me overwhelmed meet me when i'm on the top floor i'll do everything you never asked me for when i jump don't try and save me i'm my own responsibility drowning in an elevated state no middle ground, only hyper-fluctuate i'm down, but i'll see the light again til hope is found, i'll be rapid cycling i'll lick the hypocrisy right off your lips
and spit it back into your mouth it's such a shame how the bad always outweighs the good because now I can't recall what i initially saw in you it's hard to see a silver lining when you shattered my rose colored lenses this isn't to say I don't care about you because why else would i still be here? i'll pick up the pieces of glass and glue them back together because it's cheaper than buying a new pair it's crazy how a socialite can be pushed so far as to want to be alone the water starts to boil over and i let it overflow i've never felt more like a stranger in my own skin and i thought i knew myself well i think you only choose to love me through premeditation so you can attack when I don't have the energy to retaliate i have a lot of regrets but the biggest were those three words i said out loud please try to learn to love me for what i'm not without me having to tell you how so scared of the silence
so i'll scream to make sound empty words are violent but i can't keep it down how do i take comfort when i know how it ends should i scare my mother? or concern all my friends? wipe away my tears and put on a show if i go off the script will anybody know? i think i missed my queue i'm running far behind everything is blurred now i cannot read the lines disconnect deactivate keep to myself when i'm in this state i shut myself off it feels safe this way lock all the doors until i need to escape then i will come inside keep you company and i won't speak up when i'm ready to leave is 'enough' too foreign a concept? will i ever become acquainted? when i stretch myself this thin what part of me do i get to keep? i'll tell anybody anything but never everything take a few steps back please i must leave some room for me i'm friends with inconsistency adorned in unreliability my memory is failing me what was i doing? please remind me my thoughts overgrown i'm far too used to this my mind longs for home but i'm not sure where that is i've been abandoned by the sheep
so i'll count every shadow i see and convince myself they are after me i watch the train pass by but i was too weak to board it maybe taking a different route will lead to better opportunity placed in between myself and who you want me to be is love a possibility? let me know before i lose myself completely you stare into my restless eyes and say, "i wish i could take it away from you" and trust me, i do too my fleeting mind cannot be eased by the sweetest lullaby
yarn tangled too tightly to loosen the knots through and through yet seemingly never out i search far and wide to find some sort of beauty in unpredictability but what's beautiful about overestimations and unfulfilled expectations? what's beautiful about letting my guard down just to have to fortify it even harder? i'm always catching myself being caught off-guard i must be ignorant to internalizing patterns unconscious assimilation of my surroundings long sailed away and too late to target now an inactivation of something that needs to be expressed at the hands of involuntary methylation equilibrium cannot be met at this exponential of a rate go with the flow just like i was programmed to do and embrace the unrelenting fluctuations in frequency should i be taking on an active or passive role? perhaps both of them simultaneously i want others to feel me but not just because i told them to i want others to feel me the way i intended working against slim odds of desired reception working in my favor for better or for worse, it's out of my control it's over and it will take time
destined for disaster i have tried my hardest for you postpone the pursuit of soul-searching all of the omens in my path beg me to turn around but it's too late to go back now i know the destination won't be worth it but maybe it will teach me something i set myself up, but is it my fault? majority of times, the anticipation is better than the event itself and i prove that to myself over and over everything is often in vain, but at least it keeps me moving forward the people i dragged through my dark days never deserved it they knew too much of me then i don't think i knew me then woke up this morning with last night's love
present shakes hands with past put out the fire fast say goodbye, no need to make it last move on with your daily tasks they aren't going away the way your mind is far removed with no intention of return come back tomorrow if you can cycle onward with a cynical mind holding you back from feeling at home but you couldn't place your finger on home if you tried it's time to pencil out a new map and conquer its land carry out and compass and tomorrow, if you can, come back family reunion
"have you lost some weight?" never tried to do it "go fill up your plate" i'm trying to carry myself well two new tattoos covered up, can't tell i just want to make them proud overcompensate, can't shut my mouth now don't appear concerning "oh yes, my health is great" tripped over all my words from staying up too late sweeten my words so they think i'm good don't cause concern smile like i should close the door behind me stare at my own eyes shaking hands, don't cry please postpone my dark demise woe is me, i didn't get my way again
but that's not the issue at hand this time one wall apart and i'm cold on the couch you're a world away and your door is locked what switched? is it something i did? what's this? is it someone i should've been? have your way but it comes at a price you'll never have to pay (no follow through action without intention no boundaries placed it feels unfinished) walk away from the spot you unreserved i wish that i could stay but i've been replaced by her 100 miles away At 100 miles per hour drove down a one-way and i can't turn around what switched? did you know from the beginning? i miss when i thought i had a clear image dance in bliss am i this easy to forget? good morning, i'm afraid it's way too late swallow words i don't have energy to say (for i give in too easily in forgiving i forget what i was supposed to be forgetting) the conservation makes its way to a natural end
and i guess the next step is for you to point out that it's late and you should leave and then for me to agree, and say i should get some sleep anyways the sun never stays i shouldn't uphold you to this high of a place i shouldn't have reserved this large of a space for you but now there's nothing i can do but follow and follow and follow through long after you decided not to i will learn but not today i'm far too comfortable in an ignorant state everything i don't know keeps me safe Hey little girl from 2009
Don't hold back your tears It's okay to cry So much will happen But not much will change You and i are still exactly the same Hey little girl, we've lived 20 years I truly can't believe That we're still here We both still live in fear and can't sleep at night And even though it's hard We're both still alive Not many things will go as you plan But you'll live out your dream Of going to Japan And you'll cry on the plane as you fly away Little girl, there's still joy in the pain Enjoy the peace before it's out of your hands So go slow dance with dad While you still have the chance And ask him if he wants to play outside Things will change fast, so don't close your eyes It'll get better and it will get worse You will heal then you will hurt Some things that you're taught, you'll have to unlearn And some things will happen that you never deserved But you'll get a guitar and start making music And pour your heart into people that will abuse it But you and i both know it was never in vain You'll move to chicago and get an apartment And have to move home right as life had just started But you will become quite acquainted with change I know you hate surprises So i won't say much more Just hold on tight and find Reasons to stay alive for |
archives
October 2023
tags |