it's over and it will take time
destined for disaster i have tried my hardest for you postpone the pursuit of soul-searching all of the omens in my path beg me to turn around but it's too late to go back now i know the destination won't be worth it but maybe it will teach me something i set myself up, but is it my fault? majority of times, the anticipation is better than the event itself and i prove that to myself over and over everything is often in vain, but at least it keeps me moving forward the people i dragged through my dark days never deserved it they knew too much of me then i don't think i knew me then
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woke up this morning with last night's love
present shakes hands with past put out the fire fast say goodbye, no need to make it last move on with your daily tasks they aren't going away the way your mind is far removed with no intention of return come back tomorrow if you can cycle onward with a cynical mind holding you back from feeling at home but you couldn't place your finger on home if you tried it's time to pencil out a new map and conquer its land carry out and compass and tomorrow, if you can, come back family reunion
"have you lost some weight?" never tried to do it "go fill up your plate" i'm trying to carry myself well two new tattoos covered up, can't tell i just want to make them proud overcompensate, can't shut my mouth now don't appear concerning "oh yes, my health is great" tripped over all my words from staying up too late sweeten my words so they think i'm good don't cause concern smile like i should close the door behind me stare at my own eyes shaking hands, don't cry please postpone my dark demise woe is me, i didn't get my way again
but that's not the issue at hand this time one wall apart and i'm cold on the couch you're a world away and your door is locked what switched? is it something i did? what's this? is it someone i should've been? have your way but it comes at a price you'll never have to pay (no follow through action without intention no boundaries placed it feels unfinished) walk away from the spot you unreserved i wish that i could stay but i've been replaced by her 100 miles away At 100 miles per hour drove down a one-way and i can't turn around what switched? did you know from the beginning? i miss when i thought i had a clear image dance in bliss am i this easy to forget? good morning, i'm afraid it's way too late swallow words i don't have energy to say (for i give in too easily in forgiving i forget what i was supposed to be forgetting) the conservation makes its way to a natural end
and i guess the next step is for you to point out that it's late and you should leave and then for me to agree, and say i should get some sleep anyways the sun never stays i shouldn't uphold you to this high of a place i shouldn't have reserved this large of a space for you but now there's nothing i can do but follow and follow and follow through long after you decided not to i will learn but not today i'm far too comfortable in an ignorant state everything i don't know keeps me safe Hey little girl from 2009
Don't hold back your tears It's okay to cry So much will happen But not much will change You and i are still exactly the same Hey little girl, we've lived 20 years I truly can't believe That we're still here We both still live in fear and can't sleep at night And even though it's hard We're both still alive Not many things will go as you plan But you'll live out your dream Of going to Japan And you'll cry on the plane as you fly away Little girl, there's still joy in the pain Enjoy the peace before it's out of your hands So go slow dance with dad While you still have the chance And ask him if he wants to play outside Things will change fast, so don't close your eyes It'll get better and it will get worse You will heal then you will hurt Some things that you're taught, you'll have to unlearn And some things will happen that you never deserved But you'll get a guitar and start making music And pour your heart into people that will abuse it But you and i both know it was never in vain You'll move to chicago and get an apartment And have to move home right as life had just started But you will become quite acquainted with change I know you hate surprises So i won't say much more Just hold on tight and find Reasons to stay alive for 5 more minutes 4 you i will wait
3 a.m. i have something to say 2 you but 1 doesn't feel the same by the way, you can stay the night i heard it's supposed to rain prends soin de moi si tu as le temps mais s'il vous plais dis-moi, vraiment vais-je vivre dans te souvenirs ou ton avenir? je veux appartenir parfaitement dans tes bras creativity, productivity
responsibility, maturity when i'm young, it's impressive and when i'm old, it's expected why does it matter to me? i don't want to be praised but i want to be seen before i face my final day and after i'm gone, will they say my name? why do i want to be known anyway? "i love you," they tell me with sincere eyes but i go to bed each and every night with the same question on my mind: am i loved? or are they just being nice? urgency won't let me breathe urgency won't let me be the hourglass is taunting me and there's no way it will stop for me the last grain will hit the bottom eventually in 50 years, 4 months or momentarily before it comes my time to leave i don't want to just look, i want to see i don't want to just touch, i want to feel i want to carefully listen and not just hear i'm sick of prioritizing the pursuit of romance when i'm surrounded by love what's the rush? when it's time it will come leave the door unlocked
in case you come you never do is this what love looks like to you? i endanger myself killed by the person i am not i love as one as much for two extending all the lines i drew dark grey clouds on a slow winter day,
an exhale into cold air; a feeling that stays unchanged, unchained and it never goes away an anecdoche a night ended all alone leave a message at the tone to let you know i made it home forgotten lyrics to our favorite song the things i've wanted all along but never dwelled upon stop myself before it goes on and on what did i want yesterday? who did i love last year? what will i hate about tomorrow? when will it become more clear? are you still here? can you stay here? today's "i'll do it tomorrow's" will soon be yesterday's and my tomorrow's are adding up are you here to stay? do you love me that way? i am thankful that my friends and i
exist on the same timeline in the same exact lifetime on similar coordinates what a beautiful thought it is that by chance, we get to coexist in a universe that was everything before and everything after i connect with a stranger, then they become someone i love and i love, i love, i love until it's my time to leave and someone else's time to breathe for me no love is wasted in this life even if it feels like it at times but choosing hate is the most malicious crime at least that's how i see it in my eyes and i must find some sort of a balance because it was never my role to bear the world's weight and changing the whole world is too heavy of a challenge but i hope to at least make a mark on my place in space you have left us for another world
twenty four days ago not by choice, but as a result of this world's darkness and as a result of your departure, i have seen the darkest days but in my dream last night i saw you i give praise to the dream realm so mysterious, yet full of life you visited me from your world and i visited you from mine as dreams allow us to meet in the middle perhaps that is the only way we can reconnect for now until the day i join your world i prefer dreams over reality i always have felt that way you told me not to be afraid for you are still here somehow it's hard to imagine a lifetime without you these twenty four days have felt empty but i know that in my dreams, you can tell me once more, "do not be afraid for i am still here somehow" tonight when i awaken my subconscious mind i hope you will meet me there because your photo on my bedside table just isn't enough for me and i reach for my phone to call you but in my dreams i can see you smile again, i can hear you and for that, i give praise to the dream realm for you are still here somehow My dad and I have not always seen eye to eye on everything. However, music is one thing that has always connected us. My dad is a huge fan of all things vintage -- our garage is adorned with antiques and nearly each room in our house contains a record player. He has just about every vinyl record one could imagine. One night in August of 2017, he asked me if I had ever heard Pink Floyd's The Wall all the way through. I had not. Of course, I had heard a few of their hit singles such as "Wish You Were Here" and "Comfortably Numb," but I had not delved much further.
Thus, that night, he launched me into the world of Pink Floyd, and it made more of an impact on me than I could have ever imagined. We sat down in the "'70s Room--" yes, our guest room is themed with all things psychedelia -- and he set down the needle on Side A of The Wall. The '70s Room has the best-quality record player in the house, and he wanted to make sure I got the full experience. And there we sat, staring at the ceiling, accompanied only by the buzzing of an old blacklight and the encompassing, ethereal sounds of the record. The philosophical lyrics spoke to me in a clarity that I don't think I had ever prior experienced. As the record played through, my dad would periodically explain the meanings behind the lyrics. However, I already understood. This was not just a record -- this was a story, an experience. I entered another world as a line from the sixteenth track pierced me in the chest: I've got wild staring eyes / And I've got a strong urge to fly / But I've got nowhere to fly to (fly to...fly to...fly to...). With each reverb-drowned lyric, glittery guitar solo, and hallucination-inducing synth chord, I felt as if I was listening to an orchestra of my own inner thoughts. The Wall is not just a record, it is a philosophy that I now hold close to me. All in all, it's just another brick in the wall is to say that every trial that Pink, the main character, faced was just an addition to the metaphorical wall he built that closed him off from the outside world. However, toward the end of the opera, it all comes full circle as he tears down his wall, inhabiting all the traits he had once resented. The brick of his father's death, his schoolteacher's tyranny, his mother's overprotection, his wife's adultery, all became part of his new fascist leader identity. This record influenced me in so many ways. I became more passionate about music as a whole, as both a music fan and musician. It allowed me to connect with my father and share our passion for music. And most of all, it taught me to embrace every "brick in my wall," rather than allowing them to harden my heart. two more days of my teenage years
if i could stay here forever i would, but life goes on & i will get older i am scared of getting older i do not want to get older but there's no going back now nineteen has taught me many things i didn't want to know, but perhaps needed to i truly believe i visited rock bottom as well as cloud nine nineteen i lived in my dreams nineteen i lived in my nightmares i made some of the best friends i could ever ask for and experienced some of my favorite memories alongside them nineteen i let people use me nineteen i started to realize my worth i created, i wrote, i sang, i loved i caved, i quit, i cried, i gave too much nineteen i lost ones i love but i didn't really lose them, they're still here with me nineteen i screamed at the top of my lungs, cried out to the higher power, unable to breathe from fear and pain and suffering nineteen i screamed at the top of my lungs, thanked the higher power, unable to breathe from jumping around and laughing and dancing nineteen i found myself nineteen i lost myself over and over i saw things get better i saw things get worse over and over i saw the world get flipped on its head and i cried for the world often i cried for my friends and myself i celebrated & i mourned often some days of nineteen i saw the world in technicolor and kaleidoscopes other days i saw the world in nothing but the bleakest hue of grey some days of nineteen i thought i wouldn't see twenty with just two days left, i feel that way today two more days, i think i can make it but the world is uncertain and nineteen taught me that more than ever nineteen was a year of balance - my lows made me appreciate my highs all the more i learned to rejoice when things are just okay - neither good nor bad - and bask in the okayness of life i guess now it is time to see what twenty offers i hope i have the strength to take on whatever it throws my way i shut and lock the door
and sit down on the shower floor make the water as hot as it can be and let it all drown over me read aloud the words on the shampoo bottle so i can practice my french but i only read it for myself there's nobody else, there's nobody else with everything i feel, i need to get it out to reassure myself that i am not alone in my doubts and that my thoughts are not as crazy as they sometimes sound relatability is hard to reach when there's nobody around no one will ever know everything i don't make known i can't decide whether i take comfort or fear in that but i feel a constant compulsion to make an impression that lasts i get in my car i don't drive very far roll the window down, order a coffee all the while, the only passenger is me and this is the biggest adventure i've embarked on in weeks begging the person in the other lane to glance at me driven by an unfulfilled urge to feel seen constantly it'll never leave an unexamined life is not worth living let me reside on the plane of my dreams
until i see everything i wanna see because bringing those moments into reality prove to be highly unlikely my imagination is eating me alive creating new desires i think i need to survive i have trouble being content with what's in front of me when i'm always imagining a better story in my dreams, i'm able to breathe and they love me, and i feel free it never feels the same in reality so excuse me for going back to sleep my heart skips a beat
when i hear the birds sing can you believe i'm alive? my knees lock in place when the breeze touches my face can i believe i'm alive? even when i'm asleep it is all happening i can still breathe i can still dream and when i open my eyes after a long night i'm reminded i'm alive i'm given another try i'm here today, i can't believe i've lived to see the good and bad in front of me i can still breathe i can still dream the rain fills up the sea
while i scrub my body clean so that no part of you remains on me i brush your name off my teeth and try to learn how to be now that you're 10,000 miles out of my reach i'm no longer mourning the loss of our memories which indicates i'm moving forward, even if slowly soon i'll no longer wonder what you're thinking and when i hear your name, i won't have this feeling with time i know i'll heal completely but right know i can't say i don't miss your company how am i expected to fall asleep
when the hourglass is haunting me? steady pace depleting memory striving toward who i'm "supposed" to be running back and forth forever unable to exist in the present i've never come close with middle ground only depression and effervescence finding comfort in nostalgia and safety in imagination i'm never really here i'm too busy switching stations predicting what's to come while missing moments i'm still in focused on every part of the timeline except for the current pin experiencing regret and sorrow emotions due to dwelling on the past i try my best to fall in love with the moment but i've yet to find out how to make it last if only i would have looked in your eyes a little harder when i could
my tears and prayers can't bring you back so i listen to your song over and over again like you're performing right in front of me once more i hold on to what once was and give every encounter a thousand more thoughts playing them back over and over again but somewhere, the tape skipped and i can only rewind i wish i would have paused it more when i could but i let it play until it abruptly stopped you're still here, though i can see you in all that you wrote i can still hear you within every note i try to wipe my tears because i'll see you at the next show there's this song i think you'd like and i really want you to listen to it wherever you are, i hope you're playing your favorite songs it's ultimately up to me
to decide if i want to awaken my dreams i see it all in my head but what if it stays there until i'm dead? i want to create without making mistakes and i know it's bound to happen but i'm scared of negative reaction why can't i break free when there's nothing in front of me? it's like i missed the signal to go but nobody let me know nobody is stopping me but myself nothing is stopping me but my mind if i opened up to someone else i wonder what all i would find i feel crazy when i keep it inside and nothing makes much sense but i have a tendency to hide out of my own self-defense a feeling in my stomach that's been here for years
i've become immune to it, i'm friends with my fears i want my words to help others but they do nothing for me how do i express the way i feel effectively? nobody will ever know what's happening inside i don't understand, although i've always tried nights like these it's hard to breathe i'm thousands of miles away from myself i fear i won't find her without someone else's help sometimes i wonder, am i sure i belong here?
i envision myself living twenty alternate lives and convince myself this is the best possible one. i convince myself this is the only one. longing for things i don't have does nothing good--it only weakens the experience of the current moment. but i cannot help but wonder how life would be if i would have gone on exchange in Denmark, if i would have lived out that life i dreamt of so recklessly my freshman and sophomore years. or perhaps, how would life be if i would not have had to give up dancing due to health problems? would i still be dancing through the streets of Chicago as i am now? or would i be in a crammed apartment in New York, longing for fresh air? what if i chose to accept the offer from that school in Nashville? or Arizona? or Texas? who would i be, what would i be doing right now? but like i said, i shouldn't think about such things. i want to take the cards i've been dealt and the decisions i've made, put them in a bag, and say, "i am here. thanks to these, this is why i am who i am, where i am, and what i have become. thanks to these, i'm living this life that could not have ended up any other way." many times, horrible circumstances have pushed me toward a better path. on a lighter note, sometimes tiny decisions have built upon one another and changed the trajectory of my life. all past and presumptions about the future aside, i am here. and that's what matters. me voy ahora
¿vendrás conmigo? no te preocupes esperaré para ti no andaré demasiado lejos sin ti no, no puedo andar ninguna distancia sin ti ¿incluso me conozco? ¿incluso sé algo sin ti? quizás debo aprender cómo estar solo pero estar solo con mis pensamientos es un pensamiento aterrador ¿podrías sentarte a mi lado mientras lo intento? abrázame un poco más en los días en que la vida no se siente real no tienes que convencerme de nada solo aprieta mi mano un poco más fuerte y muéstrame tu mejor sonrisa falsa en el final, este día no importará pero recordaré que estuviste para mí no estoy seguro de mañana o la próxima hora ya veremos qui aurait pensé que tu étais pour moi
j'ai à peine regardé dans tes yeux devrais-je faire confiance aux étoiles? je marche, je n'y pense pas beaucoup je marche, je pense à d'autres choses la musique dans ma tête me distraie à chaque fois, à chaque fois tu ne me dis pas que je suis perdu je prends juste mon temps j'aime ce que tu ne peux pas voir et je suis submergé par la normalité j'aborde la vie différemment |
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